You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
