On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I smell like Dick and happiness
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