I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
