dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
