So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it's like iHOP with fire
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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