Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need to align my fucking chakras
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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