I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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