The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
