he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
