but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
