1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
