Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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