i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
