maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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