Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I want a musical about memes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
