I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
