I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
