your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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