I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
