so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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