I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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