sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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