I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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