Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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