My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize