I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
