i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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