I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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