I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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