My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
