Can i not drive my cunt home
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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