We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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