Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
