i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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