By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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