My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
