He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
