I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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