and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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