God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
