I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
