It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
