This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
