So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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