I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Houston, we have a squirter
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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