If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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