I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
