His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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