u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize