3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
