Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
