so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
