If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
