Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
