Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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