I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
