he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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