I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
