so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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