fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
