be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
