Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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