Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
