Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
