Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
