I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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