my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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