haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
