get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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