so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
