at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize