I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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