dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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