i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
