my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
