if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
