I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
