12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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