I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
